My ex blindsided me with divorce

Divorce often comes as a surprise to one half of a relationship. It did to me and it did to many of the women I coach. 

Being blindsided like this comes as a huge shock. My clients often tell me that they had no inkling that this was going to happen. There were no arguments and on the surface everything seemed OK. My ex had just booked a family holiday! Go figure. 

“I had no idea he was feeling like this”

“He just came home and told me he wanted a divorce. It was totally out of the blue.”

Your whole world comes crashing down in a space of a few minutes. I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe. It was just so hard to comprehend. Where had this decision come from? Why? I just couldn't get my head round it.

Something else that is incredibly hard to deal with is the fact that your partner has already mentally and emotionally moved on. They probably checked out of the relationship a while ago and are a lot further along the moving on process than you are. So while you are hurting, they are not. They are getting on with their lives.

If you have been blindsided by divorce, these tips might help.

1. Give yourself time to grieve. It's important to feel your feelings - all your emotions are valid. Anger, upset, hurt and sadness are all perfectly normal emotions.

2. Don’t blame yourself. This was not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. 

3. Find your support network. They will come into their own over the next few months. Lean on them, talk to them and don’t bottle up your feelings.

4. Start protecting yourself. Get legal advice, research divorce, join a divorce group. Get really clear on what the process is. Have strong boundaries. 

5. Divorce can be incredibly hard and stressful so make sure you are looking after yourself. If you need help with the children, ask. If you can’t face cooking, buy some ready meals. Make sure you sleep.

6. Think about your future. It might not feel like it but you will move on and those raw emotions will start to heal. It can absolutely feel like your world has ended but it hasn’t. Allow yourself some time to think about what you want your life to look like and start taking small steps towards that life.

If you would like support to move on after divorce or break-up, get in touch.